Once upon a time, on another blog (or three) I had to write a first post. I tried to be cool, to be insightful, to be someone I thought the internet would like. But tonight I want to just tell you where I'm at at this point in my life. So this first post isn't going to be some cheesy introduction where I tell you all my favorite things. It's going to be a dive head first into my current mental state.
I just got back from a crazy month of traveling. It started in New York, touched down in Chicago, and finished in sunny California. It was one of the greatest months of my life, and I'm not exaggerating. I spent some quality time with a bunch of internet friends, experienced the West Coast for the first time, and even went to Disneyland! All the while, I took thousands of photos and videos which are now clogging up my various hard drives. Of course, while traveling is fantastic (and you can bet I'll be doing more in the future), it also can lead to chaos and confusion. Upon coming home last week, when I expected to be overjoyed to be home, I found myself frustrated. Now that I had come back I had to face a lot of things - my job, my messy room, the dishes in the sink, and all the bills from the stuff I spent money on for vacation. More than that, I've had to face myself. And right now, mid-2017, my self is struggling a little bit.
Sure, my social media is doing great, and I did end up finding a great post-grad job (for the moment). I'm healthy, I have enough money in the bank, and I have some amazing friends and family backing me up. But, when I sit alone in front of my computer and try to work on creative projects or even just make myself food (not in front of my computer, obviously), I feel like I'm being sucked into a black hole of thoughts. I try to express the thoughts, get them down in my journal or in a YouTube video or through a bad Instagram caption, but I feel stuck. So I go to work, I try to sleep, I watch bad movies to get my mind off things.
I need a rhythm. And it's hard to find that rhythm when you've been traveling for so long.
Of course, as I sit and type this, I know deep down that the cause of this is spiritual. If we're being honest here, I haven't been to church in a very long time. I haven't really given God any of the time He deserves because, well, I've been busy. Busy with things that are very much not that important. It's not that I've forgotten about Him, because I do thank Him a lot. (I trusted Him to get me a job and He plopped one in my lap out of nowhere, so thanks for that) It's just that I'm currently finding my worth and my joy in un-Godly things. He gave me all these blessings and platforms and successes for a reason, I know it, but right now I think I'm leaning too much on those things and not enough on Him. He taught me a lot over the past few months, about waiting and trusting, and letting Him do the heavy lifting. But now I'm not letting Him do His thing anymore. I'm relying on myself to do these creative things and to take care of me and to be happy...and it isn't working. I'm not good at a lot of those things. And even if I am good, it comes from Him. So maybe, instead of trying to do these things I want to do on my own, maybe I should get some help from Him.
Food for thought.
To close this out, I wanted to leave you with some of the things that have been pushing me to do better lately. They're inspiring and they make me want to change. They also make me incredibly happy.
C O N A N G R A Y (YouTuber) | Conan is the newest light in my life. He's only 18, but every time I watch any of his videos, I feel much less heavy. His vlogs are so peaceful and fun, and I adore his spirit.
B A C K B U R N E R (by Rosianna Halse Rojas) | I love Rosianna in general, but her specific series (currently in two parts) Backburner really sparked something in me. This documentary series about cooking and how Rosi's mental health changes throughout the month has been inspiring me ever since I first saw it. It actually makes me want to cook!
L U C Y M O O N ' S 1 6 8 H O U R S | This vlog series, where Lucy Moon documents a week of her life in video form, really comforts me whenever I feel strange. There's something so nice about being able to live in someone else's life, even if you don't know their friends or if they're just sitting around doing nothing all day. Plus, Lucy is just a sweet person, and I want the world for her.
K R I S T & Y U (YouTuber) | Although this is Krist's side channel, it's been super inspiring to me this year. She has a gift for vlogging, but she also offers incredible advice and aesthetically pleasing images. This video specifically gives me peace because it reminds me what I wish my morning routine could be.
B L E A C H E R S | Although a lot of music has helped me through rough times, right now Bleachers remains at the top of my list. Strange Desire and "Don't Take the Money" are music I put on whenever I want to feel lighter or when I want to just bask in the world a little bit. And of course, there's always the anthem, "I wanna get better..."
K E N Z I E K A T E (Photographer) | This past month when I was in California, I had the chance to meet and hang out with Kenzie, and she remains one of my favorite people. More than that, her photos continue to inspire me and lift my mood whenever I feel a little down.
I guess I feel a little better having typed this up, but really I just wanted to share some of the things that have been inspiring me lately. Hopefully now that I'm home for a while I can get into a schedule and start working on some new creative projects. Now, let's see if I actually use this blog in the future...
Comment down below if you have something inspiring you!