As you may have been able to tell, this year has been full of changes. I graduated college, I started a new job, I got a new camera...and among all those "normal" changes, I also feel like I've been changing a lot in other ways too.
Today I spent my morning going through old papers and finally sitting to sort out my old clothes. My room isn't completely tidy, but I've forced myself to start getting rid of things that have been hanging around too long. One of those "things" is my attitude towards myself. That isn't to say that I've been mean to me or that I have low self-esteem (I have a normal amount of self-esteem, and I love myself a lot haha)...no, it's more that lately I haven't let myself evolve.
I don't think it was a conscious choice. I didn't sit down and say "Don't change," but I think coming out of college I saw myself as changed...even though I wasn't. For the past four years, I've been making myself into someone, specifically a christian college girl who wears t-shirts, who makes YouTube videos, and who sometimes takes photos. While those things all still apply to me, I think I've been scared to let myself become someone new. Now that I'm in post-grad, I feel like my life has already changed drastically, and so I'm ready to change with it.
If you started 2017 with me, you'll know that my word for the year was discipline. Shockingly, I haven't gained any of that. Some of my habits have improved, but for the most part I'm the same lack-of-will-power lazy person I was last year. However, this year has turned into something I didn't anticipate - it's turning into my own personal renaissance. (Something Rotten anyone?) I began the year by starting two new Instagram accounts, and that lead to me pursuing art in so many new ways. I edit my iPhone photos, I take lots of photos of books, I make music videos for random people...the list is endless. While some forms of art have been lost - I no longer write songs and I have gotten really bad at journalling - I've found that my photos are really turning into something I'm proud of.
Because of the influx in art production and my seriously insane consumption of it (So many artsy YouTube videos let me tell you), I've found myself questioning different parts of my life. Every time I walk into my room I think of ways to improve my space or myself. I threw away some knick-knacks. I cooked chicken for the first time last week. I reorganized my bookshelves to make them more aesthetically pleasing. I started making videos that I'm truly proud of. I can see dramatic differences in who I was last summer and who I am now, and I'm so happy for that. I'm even more confident and ready for the things that lie ahead of me.
This isn't to say my life is drastically better than my first post. I still struggle to feel productive, and I still have moments where I wish I could restart some parts of my life, but all the art I've been making this year has helped. I have faith and hope that come August and September, I'll be making even more changes in my life (for the better). Starting with me going shopping for some serious wardrobe updates! Sometimes the struggling is worth it in the end because God shows you things you wouldn't have noticed otherwise.
To keep you inspired, here's a short playlist of some songs on my summer playlist right now.
- SKYDIVING by LIGHTS
- SORRY NOT SORRY by DEMI LOVATO
- 100 LETTERS by HALSEY
- WOMAN by KESHA
- HIGH ON HUMANS by OH WONDER
- BAD LIAR by SELENA GOMEZ
- WHISKEY WHISKEY WHISKEY by JOHN MAYER
- WAKE ME by BLEACHERS
- THE LUCKIEST by BEN FOLDS
- I WENT TOO FAR by AURORA
- ULTRALIFE by OH WONDER
- SHAKE IT OUT by FLORENCE + THE MACHINE
- I WAS AN EAGLE by LAURA MARLING